Few hours ago I wrote a post about how sad I felt at that moment. I know it is a page about happiness but this time it was going to be about sadness and I am going to write it down.
My intention was to publish the original post no matter how personal and unhappy it was, I wanted to communicate this state of mine to the others. After all, I decided not to but instead to describe it and try analyse it.
“I got into this mood around yesterday but it hasn’t passed yet. Is it the stars, the full moon coming soon, the universal changes happening at the moment? Or just the fact that I am a human being and as such I can’t help experiencing sadness, sorrow and despair more or less often?”
But writing about it didn’t make me feel any better. I kept shedding tears and in fact I felt worse because I couldn’t control myself and stop it. On the top I was blaming myself of being unkind to my being and falling in this destructive state of mind.
“The one thing I should do is acknowledge the feeling and accept it as being part of me right now. Experience it. That’s fine but it doesn’t make me feel any better too. It is a deep sadness there in my center and it seems it doesn’t want to go away.”
I’ve outlined the reasons for this state – not having my family around, my closest people being away, not having work and good perspective of finding one and as a result of the above in general – my health failing also. Then I’ve pointed out to myself that I could always reach my family if I want and my friends will be soon back. The work is not something I could predict and make presumptions about in advance. And the health is the thing I should be more attentive to. More precisely – the mental health because if this was alright I wouldn’t have the physical manifestation onto my body.
It seems it’s what I miss and don’t have at the moment that makes me sad. It is a lack that makes me feel unhappy. I put myself in dependence on certain people and circumstances. I’m so blindly focused on this that I can’t actually think of myself and my well-being as a whole. I identify myself not only with things outside of me but also not present right now.
There’s the example – me trying to get under the philosophy of Happiness but falling into the despairs of the mind.
This is the simple truth and I should embrace it. It is not the end of the world but the end of my still not very steady focus, my fragile balance and my protection from my destructive thoughts.
I feel better now. Dried the tears and soothed the soul. The heart is still jumping but the mind is hushed.
I think most of us who experience similar quakes should not try to force the feeling. But must develop a practice so it could be subdued.
I started writing this post on purpose and it helped. Maybe not the analysis but the act itself – the writing and the sheet in front me and my thoughts flying with my typing fingers.
I use the space here to share this personal experience. I am not ashamed to tell you and I am not asking for compassion. But maybe some of you may see themselves experiencing the same and not feel alone this time.
We should find our own way to “confront” despair and unhappiness. Surely there is something to smile upon. Or at least we can smile at ourselves for being so foolishly panicking at those moments.
We are not alone here, we have ourselves – me and you, and everyone else.
Simply, I am Happy I have all this.