The death of the Ego

I will pick up from the last note in my previous post.

Coming out from a major life crisis takes a while. In fact I don’t think you are ever to come out of it in one piece. You do restore some of your wholeness but you are never the same – a part of you is dead. And this is good. But you don’t quite feel cheerful about it – you do need to mourn the loss of that part of yourself and that previous you. And it is OK to mourn for a while. But it is not OK to get stuck there. And here comes another “battle” – to get yourself up off the ground, pat down the ashes and clean away the soot. And embrace life again.

This is a major theme in my life, perhaps the purpose of my life here and now – the disintegration of my ego. There is no way your ego is the same after such upheaval and there is no need to be the same. It’s been disassembled. I take all this from astrology and my birth chart again. In this life I am bound to experience a continuous and omnipresent longing  for merging back with the source, where we all come from. My identity is not a very established one and I still wonder who I am. But on a deeper level I know that I am much more than this and now, and I long to go back home. I am sure we all experience this – with some is stronger and with others not so prominent. For myself, I realise why I experience such hardship in life – because I do want to go beyond my ego as it is now, I do want to in fact transcend all that into a more meaningful and whole picture.

It is hard to explain. But only when the ego is absent, or maybe at least silenced, we could see ourselves as part of the whole – not separate, we could experience endless bliss – not the duality of good and bad, and feel the universal love – not fear.

Of course, the ego is not giving up so easily – it did fight very hard after all to earn an existence. And that’s why I feel this sadness in myself. It is inevitable. I owe my ego this. But not for long. Once the old is shed we should set eyes upon what’s coming. Upon what we can do to find this bliss and happiness, where to look for it, how to notice it.

I didn’t tell you what exactly happened to me. So here it is. I lost my beloved sister 6 months and two days ago. It was a long fight with cancer and we were pretty sure she was on a good track at first. But then things turned around and quickly she deteriorated. She passed away at the age of 38, God bless her soul. Even during the last few days in the hospice she still had good moments and I was actually thinking “Is it possible she gets better?”. You never stop hoping, especially when you see such a strong spirit. Cancer is still mystery for me. Is this a way some souls choose how to exit the cause-and-effect law of karma? I don’t know and all I know is that so many people and families are affected by it these days, it is unbelievable. My mom also passed away from breast cancer five years ago.

All I know is that I was ripped apart, again. Often after these dark moments come the brightest ones. We are always loved and never forgotten.

So let’s say a prayer for all the lost ones and all the lost us.