A lot has happened the last couple of weeks. Perhaps the most important announcement to make is that I started visiting a psychotherapist, for the first time in my life!
This week was our forth meeting and I’m liking it! I believe my therapist enjoys our conversations too. I feel good about it and the most significant thing is that I’m getting support that I’ve never experienced in my life before!
And by that I mean – listening, understanding, validating, encouraging, supporting, non-judgmentally. Besides being able to share my thoughts and worries in a safe place, for the first time I actually feel heard and acknowledged for simply being who I am and saying what I believe.
I know this was the right step to take at this moment, I was ripe for the experience. And with that a matching soul came along so we can experience this together. Because I know this is a journey for my therapist too, and we’re both learning from the experience. And we both embrace it as such.
Perhaps the other most important thing is that I don’t doubt. I don’t doubt myself for deciding to go for counselling, I don’t doubt that this person is the right one for me, I don’t doubt this will be a successful endeavor.
Instead, I trust! I’m starting to trust myself and my inner wisdom better. I’m learning to stand behind my choices and decision and not look for external validation. I still defer and expect others to be as generous to me as I am, but I’m learning not to look for or expect that. In fact, I’m realising that the people I expect support from often not only don’t support me, they don’t even trust me. So I start doubting myself. Or – I was.
I’m learning that there are other sources of support but you do actually have to find them, and they might not be many. I’m finding incredible support from people I don’t necessarily know well. And still we resonate at the same level. They inspire me and fill me with gratitude.
Another thing I’m also learning is to open myself to receive support from sources I’ve deemed unable to help me (like family members). I know why I haven’t really done that before (besides the belief that these particular people can’t help me). Because I’ve believed I need to be able to solve my problems all by myself, with no asking for help. I’ve believed that so strongly that I’ve totally isolated and blocked any desires or intentions for support.
Also, I’m starting to understand that when people actually hear your case, they don’t really have to agree with you. They don’t really have to say much. It’s more like appreciating the opportunity you have to share with them your concern. But we shouldn’t really expect them to justify what we say or agree with us. In fact, we shouldn’t be looking for this, because we need to be strong in our position and decision. Asking for opinions is somewhat different when you’re trying to find out what other people would do. Sometimes we do need a perspective. Still, we are the ones who have to stand behind our choices, with or without any external support. Because we often won’t receive it. And still that doesn’t mean that those people aren’t necessarily supportive.
What it does mean is that we must not look for confirmation of our beliefs and choices outside of ourselves. We need to trust our internal voice. And I know it’s sometimes hard to even recognise this voice, but it is there. What we need to do is strip the layers of self-doubt, look for our truth and most importantly – do not get distracted or caught up in looking for external validation, and get disappointed and discouraged when our expectations aren’t met.
We need to forget about this pattern altogether and step away from it when we catch ourselves begging for external confirmation. Stand your ground and acknowledge your reasons and feelings, because if you feel something – it’s valid. And it’s also true that we don’t have any control whatsoever over the end result, but that is irrelevant. We may not get what we want and that might mean we need to adjust our behaviour, and we should take that experience as a lesson. Because life is about learning and growing and evolving. There’s no right or wrong, it is all relative and it is all true at the same time.
The most magical effect, besides learning to trust ourselves, is that by doing so we let go of control. And that is what is meant by “surrender”. This ethereal state of being – there’s no pushing or pulling, there’s no friction, no resistance, no tension, no frustration, no stress.