Rewriting my story in a radical self-forgiveness context

rewritingmystory
Image Annie Spratt

I am here to deal with my fear of isolation, loneliness and loss. I have chosen my parents, sibling, partner, child, close friends, and my life circumstances so they can support my soul’s evolution.

My mother temporarily left me for 5 years when I was 10 years old. Then she permanently left my life when I was 26. By doing so, she first opened a hole in me as a young child, and then she made that hole graver, bigger and deeper by leaving this world altogether.

When my mum first left she prepared me for encountering a greater feeling of loneliness and loss later in my life. When she died, she has done all her preparation work for me to start searching and dealing with the fear of isolation and loss.

How that played in my life was that I was constantly looking for love, approval and acceptance from external sources. I did not know and was not thought to look for that inside of me, or rather – that I do not need to look for it because it is already there. I did not learn that I was perfect and divine as I was with all my strengths and weaknesses.

Instead, I developed characteristics such as insecurity, unlovability, strive for achievement and approval, self-doubt, self-consciousness, fear of rejection. And later in life – anxiety, depression, compulsiveness, control issues, anger, resentment, self-loathing, inability to see life for what it is as a joyful and beautiful experience.

My father was the one rejected from my mother. On many occasions. The last occasion -when she left him to look after their two daughters for 5 years. Although they both agreed this is the best for everybody, my dad has always felt betrayed, rejected, not recognised, not rewarded for his actions and efforts.

What he was preparing me for was how to deal with those difficult feelings when they arise in me too and the realisation that we don not need to be paid back for the good we have done. That we need to give willingly and unconditionally.

How that played in my life was that I thought life is a battle and that I have to fight for what I want. And that in itself is the (false) believe that we aren’t deserving of our needs, wishes and dreams. Also, that we aren’t worthy.

What I developed were attributes such as stubbornness, headstrongness, inflexibility, impulsiveness. And later in life – burn out, resentment, anger, disappointment and feelings of failure and inadequacy, also related to self-loathing, unworthiness and shame.

I am learning now that from a spiritual perspective everything is as it should be, as it was divinely planned by me and my soul group before I incarnated on the earth plane.

I am learning how to deal with the loss of my mother and sister. I am learning how to deal with the fear I will lose more people. I am learning how to refill the hole that that loss gouged out in me. I am learning how not to be afraid of being lonely. I am learning how to access love even if I am isolated and alone.

I am learning how to reach out to others, how to share with others, how to connect with others so I don’t have to do it all alone. But this is something new for me – it’s exposing, it’s vulnerable, it’s messy. I am learning that I never really am alone, that I always have choice – to open my heart for others and let them in.

I am learning to find love for myself and understand that people are friends not enemies, and I could let them help, or just be around me.

On the other hand, with my dad still very closely connected to me, I am learning that life is a gift, not a battlefield. That I need to be grateful for the things I already have. I am again learning to open my heart and let myself feel joy in the simplest things and that I need to focus on what I do have right now, rather than strive for more and more and more. I am learning that I need to surrender and accept myself and my circumstances as they are, that I do not need to fix, figure or sort anything out. I don’t even need to know why something is happening and also, that I don’t need to take all blame and guilt onto myself.

I am learning that I am perfect just the way I am, that I do not need to fix myself, that I am in fact allowed to be who I am with all my flaws and imperfections. And that has nothing to do with how others are – I’m learning to set boundaries with myself and others. Which ultimately means learning self-respect, self-care and self-worth.

A brave guess: In a recent past life I was somebody with influence and wealth. I did not need to worry about things such as security, stability and independence. I had a way of getting these for myself, I was used to it and thought I wouldn’t need to worry about it. But then something happened and that power was taken away from me. And with that – my pride, passion, self-respect and independence. My spirit and life were broken. Moreover, I was thrown out, forgotten, and left on my own devices. Everything and everyone that I once cared for and believed was my life – was taken away from me. With that – my sense of self was also lost. I had to deal with isolation and loneliness; resentment and anger; and possibly the need for revenge. I did not have a chance for revenge or redemption. I never forgave and I thought what was done to me was unjust and wrongful. I took all this with me to my grave.

In this life I need to restore my trust in humanity and understand that blaming the whole world won’t make the pain go away. And the fact that somebody did something unfair to me, doesn’t mean that everyone else would do the same. I need to restore my trust and innocence, I need to wash away the resentment and anger, I need to open my heart for people again. I need to learn to share my pain and not hold on to it. I need to forgive. I need to regain my sense of self. I need to stop wallowing in the mire of victim consciousness, and remember who I was before I was wronged. I need to remember the passion, confidence and grace that emanated from me.

Quiet confidence, grounded beauty, inner wisdom, foresight.

You may be also interested in Reclaiming our wholeness

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I'm Vilina Christoph and I share my journey of healing and transformation. My awakening was triggered by the death of my mother and sister of cancer. When the feelings became too much to handle, I started documenting my experiences of dealing with depression and anxiety, coping with the loss and grief, and the general lack of motivation and joy in life.  Since the beginning of this journey of transformation I've learned compassion, acceptance and love for myself and others. My mission is to encourage others to look into their pain and take on the path of self-love. By accepting who you are with all your imperfections, by loving yourself fully with all your wounds, you find the strength to be your most authentic self and you unlock your unique gifts in the world.

6 thoughts on “Rewriting my story in a radical self-forgiveness context

  1. I’m always flabbergasted how similar the patterns are that abandoned children develop, sound very unconformably familiar to me… You seem to be on a very good journey out of it, though. Such an important step. All the best.

    Like

    1. Thank you! If we all start unravelling our stories, I think we’ll all come to very similar realisations. There’s probably only a few themes going on but we all experience the same emotions. I wish you luck on your journey and let each step be lighter and easier for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “…life is a gift, not a battlefield”. These words, I should write them somewhere and read them again and again. Thanks for writing them, Vilina 😊

    Like

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