Inner Child Therapy: Working with the father and mother roles

Sessions number two and three from my Working with the Inner Child therapy were about getting into the role of the father and the mother and voicing everything that comes through: their words, messages, lessons, ways of punishment and rewarding, etc.

In the session when I had to “be” my father I could barely find any words he had said to me when I was young. I was remembering messages from older years very clearly but I couldn’t get back to the early years of my childhood.

During the session, feeling my inner child, I felt distance at first. Like my dad wanted to say something but he kept it inside, and there was all this silence. I felt love and compassion but also withdrawal and sadness.

Enacting my father, I felt like the words were getting stuck in my throat. I couldn’t possibly say what was on my mind to this little child. I loved her but regretfully I didn’t express myself.

Later on, thinking about the session, I remembered that in my early years as a child I didn’t really spend much time with my dad. When I was little my mum had kept me away from him and my dad has kept away from me because of her. He was trying to avoid conflicts with her and possibly took a back stand in my upbringing at the time.

Thus, in moments of distress, I needed my dad to do something, to take a stand for me – like restoring the justice that had been undone (in my world), or fixing what needed to be fixed, ensuring a happy and fair ending to whatever the trouble might had been.

But that didn’t necessarily happen and I had to deal with the feelings on my own, trying to make sense of my reality and the world around me.

This has stirred many feelings in me – of confusion, loneliness, guilt, of being misunderstood, being alone in the world, being different, odd, weird, not fitting in; feelings of injustice, unfairness and wrongfulness; of having to fight for what I value, to defend and protect myself; of anger and aggression. Later on in life that has transpired into roles such as being the rebel, fighting authority, supporting the opposing and not-so-common views, siding with the weaker and the underdog, being the loser, the scapegoat.

Whereas some things may be parts of my personality, others are acquired and untruthful to me. Nevertheless, they have impacted my whole life.

In my later years as a teenager when my mother wasn’t around we became very close with my dad. His fatherly advice to be an independent, self-reliant, strong girl still echos through my mind on daily basis. I also was a housewife, a wife and my own mother. I would be responsible and take care of our home and my dad. Later on in my life this transpired into roles such as the carer, the nurse, the omnipresent fixer and solver, the peacemaker, taking up an enormous responsibility for what often wasn’t mine to deal with. I also had high standards about myself and others, and thus prone to disappointment, self-criticism and criticism of others, never be satisfied and constantly obsessing.

Again, some of these could be personal traits and I’ve obviously been very susceptible in particular areas.

Back to the session, at first I had troubles getting into the role and finding words. But when my therapist said I can also express things that weren’t said out loud – I had a breakthrough. My dad hasn’t spoken very much but the thoughts and the energy were there. I was able to give voice to what had been unsaid during my early years.

My dad was clearly regretful for not taking a full part in raising me up but in order to keep some sort of normality in the home, he would avoid getting into conflicts with my mother. He would retrieve and busy himself up with his interests and hobbies. At the same time, unconsciously he would develop a sense of guilt and would blame himself.

Unfortunately, that would lead to lots of missed opportunities for us to bond at that very early stage. Later on we would still bond strongly but not entirely healthily.

Looking back, now I understand that what I’ve needed all my life is not advice on how to be a strong, independent, self-reliant girl. What I needed was a father who can be there for me when I wasn’t – when I was falling apart, when I was a mess, when I was in distress and pain.

A safe harbour to take me in during my wildest storms – to shelter me, comfort me and give me the strength I was lacking. And through the eyes of the little girl – a knight to protect me and fight the dragons that I couldn’t fight by myself, a champion to restore the peace in my world and piece together my broken heart.

During most of my life I have felt the burden of having to do it all by myself – to be my own champion, to fight all my dragons by myself, to piece my broken life by myself.

This also explains why at many times in my life I have felt so bad about myself – because often I was failing to be this strong girl. I wasn’t brave enough and I couldn’t mend my world. 

In my eyes, through my dad’s lens, I was a failure.

In summary, the full picture:

Due to our family situation, dad couldn’t be a father in the full meaning of the word. Unconsciously he has developed a sense of guilt towards me (and blame towards himself). When I was grown up and we had a chance to develop a close relationship he was trying to make up for the lost time. Thus, his teachings about being strong, independent and self-reliant.

We have a good relationship and I’ve soaked up these messages with my whole being. All my life I had tried not to disappoint my father and really be this super girl. And in my moments of weakness, not only I’ve automatically hid my feelings from almost everybody trying to figure it all out by myself, but I’ve felt this immense shame that I couldn’t live up to his expectations.

Resolution:

Of course, none of us have intended any of this scenario.  This is a typical example of a dysfunctional family. And I’m sure there are many people in similar situations.

I’m happy I’ve taken on this journey, stripping all the layers down, untangling myself from unintended harm.

Soon I hope I’ll fly again free.

Posted by

I'm Vilina Christoph and I share my journey of healing and transformation. My awakening was triggered by the death of my mother and sister of cancer. When the feelings became too much to handle, I started documenting my experiences of dealing with depression and anxiety, coping with the loss and grief, and the general lack of motivation and joy in life.  Since the beginning of this journey of transformation I've learned compassion, acceptance and love for myself and others. My mission is to encourage others to look into their pain and take on the path of self-love. By accepting who you are with all your imperfections, by loving yourself fully with all your wounds, you find the strength to be your most authentic self and you unlock your unique gifts in the world.

8 thoughts on “Inner Child Therapy: Working with the father and mother roles

  1. My god! That is so brave of you to share that. It is moving and tragic, I wAnt so much to reach out and hug you. Your voice in my mind could mirror the voice of my little boy, although he circumstances could vary.

    It had made you a kind woman, I can attest to that. I have been thankful for your kind words. Your journey made, so difficult, made a difference in my life.

    Thanks for sharing that. Heartfelt and warm hugs and I pray that we all will find reSolution.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really took me a lot of time, processing and determination to write and post this article. But for me posting here is like letting go of stuff I no longer need to hold on to. In a way it’s out of me and I don’t need to look back anymore. Thank you for reading and commenting, warm hugs for you too 🙂

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  2. And I have a very strained relations with my mom, and had a non existent one with my father. It haunts me everyday. My vision of who I am . There is hole in my heart of never feeling loved , which I try to fill all the time, and it destabilizes any attempt at true inner strength and belief.

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    1. Aren’t we all (including our parents) half-asleep little children who just can’t find their way and the love they need? Although it’s hard, we have to give this love to ourselves, and give to others too. We’re all so hungry for love.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks Nicolle, it’s all coming up together now, and even that I know I was loved and I still am, I knew our relationship was messy. I’m looking for the freedom of being who I am and coming to terms with my past was part of it. Thank you for reading and commenting, love to you ❤

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