I am grateful for where I am on my journey.
I am grateful for the mud I had to come through.
I am grateful for the waters that held me while I was rising up.
I am grateful for the air that touched my skin upon my resurfacing.
I am grateful for the roots that kept me in place.
I am grateful for the process, for the journey, for the experience, for my life.
On 15th October it was 7 years since the death of my mother. Here’s what I wrote:
I was only 26 at the time. I remember trying to rationalise and intellectualise the shock of her untimely passing. I saw myself as philosophical and spiritual.
In reality, I had no clue how to process my grief. I couldn’t say or talk about her death for years. I would choke and revert to something or someone else. I knew I would spill apart if I did.
That grief and the inability to express it and process it got stuck – in my body, in my throat, in my heart. It congested my whole life.
All I could do was distract myself and focus on other things in my life.
But 5 years after my mom’s death it was my sister who followed in the exact same steps.
It was like a horrendous coincidence.
How is it possible that my two closest women disappear so quickly from my life?
What kind of nightmare was that?
How was I supposed to process it, continue living, being a mother, a partner, a healthy person?
Well, I couldn’t.
I continued tending to my daily life but I had to journey into the darkness of my despair, depression, grief, hopelessness.
Oh, what a journey that is.
And here I am today.
Stronger – maybe.
More compassionate – perhaps.
More whole than ever – pretty sure.
More myself than ever before – certainly.
So the lesson, my dear souls, is that we can do it. We can handle whatever comes our way and heal from our deepest sorrow.
It takes years and it takes conscious decisions and actions in that direction but we are much more… everything! than we think.
Have faith in yourselves, continue taking tiny steps, don’t lose hope and trust.
You can do anything!
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Looking back to those years isn’t easy. Things are just starting to make sense to me. Only in retrospect are we able to connect the dots. This is what it feels like today.
And I feel like I’ve come out on the other side – of the unspeakable depression, the all-consuming grief, the unbearable sadness.
I’ve managed to swim through the ocean of darkness and land upon a sun ray.
It is possible, is what I want to say to all of you.
We all carry our sorrows and pains, there’s no doubt about that. It happens to many of us.
But many of us duck down and pretend it never happened. They fear the storm will brake them. And that is certainly understandable.
These emotions aren’t freely spoken about. We have an almost panic fear around the subjects of depression, sadness, pain, grief. And none of us are to blame.
We simply don’t know, nobody tells you at school what to do when you feel like putting an end to it. At home isn’t a safe place to talk about it either.
My purpose with putting myself out there like this, heart and soul out in the open, is to show that there is a way of confronting your deepest fears and healing your deepest sorrow.
Yes, you have to take the plunge and land in the darkness of your psyche and from there on thread slowly and intentionally.
But it is worth it all the way.
And again, have faith in yourself, you are a magnificent being with many abilities and strengths.
Trust in the goodness of the world and the people, don’t be too quick to judge.
Take the time for yourself, no matter what and tend to your needs ASAP. There’s no time for postponing anymore.
On a bigger scale, our world is changing and your individual transformation in your truest most authentic self is needed. We do it for ourselves, for our mutual home and well-being on this planet, we’re paving the way for our children.
It is time. It is happening now.
Take the leap. Be true to yourself.