My story

Early childhood

I was born in Bulgaria. I had a mum, dad and an older sister. We were living on the 5th floor of a big apartment block built during the years of socialism. The happiest memories of my childhood are playing out in the big playground in front of our block – I loved being out, it was fun, it was safe.

Surprisingly though, I don’t have many memories. I have some very vivid ones but most of them have been buried down. It wasn’t until recently when I did some digging and came upon a few realisations about my family and early childhood life. Those memories were suppressed for a reason.

There weren’t any particular traumatic events besides my own birth. At the time my dad was pinned to bed after he suffered a car crash (as a passenger), which I only found out about this year. My mum had to handle my 8 year-old sister and the house on her own. And the tank-of-a-couch she had to open up to sleep on every night, made her go into labour about 5-6 weeks earlier. She didn’t remember the exact time of my birth (nor the exact number of premature weeks), partly because she was on her own in the birthing room. I was born around 8 o’clock in the morning when the night shift were on their way out and the day staff were yet to arrive.

She was on her own… And I was coming out.

She was scared and alone in the hospital and my dad was lying in another hospital after a car crash.

…And that’s how my life started. (As if the birthing experience is not traumatic enough)…

Recently I also realised, being a mother myself, that my mother had probably suffered a good deal of postnatal depression after the birth of my sister.  And deciding to have a second child 8 years later was her way of getting a second chance to do a good job as a mother. Unfortunately, that was not our karma and we both had to deal with this broken mother–daughter relationship. Until a few years before her death.

On the other hand, my dad had his fair share of monsters and demons to deal with. Throughout his life he has suffered multiple operations on his right leg – perhaps a metaphor for being tripped every time he tried to make a move. He still struggles with being able to provide for his family, having a tremendously hard time to keep a job which is taking toll on his mental and physical health.

Early adolescence

Life unfolded and a passion towards foreign languages, particularly English, emerged. I’d never been more sure of what I wanted to study so enrolled in the Foreign Languages School. Then I followed on the international vibe and chose to specialise in Tourism in university. Another passion had been recognized and a few years later followed – the passion to travel. After two summers in Alaska, working on a Work & Travel visa, I knew this is only the beginning of a greater journey.

Ireland in 2008 

 

I disembarked on the island of Ireland in the year when the economic recession hit the world. When people ask me why I came here, I still cannot explain. It was an idea or maybe more accurately an ideal that I followed. I loved the idea of being able to travel freely, earning some money for myself and simply living a life I wanted to. I did not have any long-term goals or any professional ambitions, not even a plan B. As it turned out, I had to grow up pretty quickly and face the reality that simply working and travelling is not a specific purpose in life.  Indeed, the universe had some other intentions for me.

The death of my mum in 2010

After a few unsatisfactory years of working in shops and cafes, I was ready to make a step and show maturity. I enrolled in a local college to do a master’s in Tourism Management. I wanted to work in my chosen profession and move away from retail and catering. However, nobody in Ireland would recognise the diploma I had from my home country Bulgaria. I needed a degree from a local institution.

But fate reached its long hand and two months before I started college, my mum had her second operation due to breast cancer. On the first day of college I was in Bulgaria with my mum, spending our last days together. Two weeks in college and she passed away.

I couldn’t handle the stress of having missed the first weeks of college, the students and the teachers already knowing each other, and all of the requirements of the course itself. It was a master’s year and it was such a different reality that I couldn’t possibly fit in, no matter how much I wanted to. The death of my mother made my options clearer and suddenly the idea of deferring the course was a relief. After deferring for two years I had to finally admit to myself that this was never going to happen.

I have to admit that I am not (or was not) the giving-up type. Or, more accurately, did not know that giving up is actually OK and sometimes required. It has nothing to do with your personal value or worth and walking away is indeed the right thing to do in certain situations. This situation was particularly intensified by the fact that I have won a state grant to cover for my tuition costs. It was a great accomplishment and now I had to give it up.

A good thing happened later in 2010

 

And that was meeting my partner-to-be. The first Irish person who was not scared of the mess I was in. Six months later with a bit of help from the fairies we officially got together. This was the first good thing that happened to me on this island for a long time. I was not forgotten – the universe had my back.

Although my love life was blooming, I still suffered on the work front.

Now I can see how I have trapped myself – wanting the stability of having a job with no regards to what the job is. And not really considering what I enjoyed doing most, thus ending up hating what I was doing. I was feeling a deep dissatisfaction and unfulfillment. I had never questioned what kind of work would really make me happy. I thought simply the regular pay check will be enough for me.

Changing jobs in 2011

I started a new job which put an enormous physical and mental stress on me. As a Bulgarian national in Ireland, I needed a work permit to work. After 5 months of working in waiting for it, I was refused a work permit. That meant I had to leave the job which I already resented. It turned out to be not what I had expected and I was disappointed once again.

You might think that I was somewhat ungrateful and that having any job is better than not having one. This is partly true depending on your life situation and indeed that philosophy worked for me at a certain age. But the stakes were higher now after 5 years of working those types of jobs. I did not have a clear path in my career and I was constantly hitting a wall. And this is because deep down I knew I could do better, that there is something I could enjoy doing. But never questioned myself properly and thus making myself dissatisfied and unhappy.

Losing my job and starting the blog – 2012

The refusal of the work permit came as a surprise but a relief. That was it. In a way, fate took care of me. I did not give up by myself this way. So I didn’t blame myself. I accepted the facts for all the bitterness but said to myself that whatever happens next I am going to take a break first. A break from trying so hard to prove myself to myself. I think I finally got the message – something is not quite right here. Starting the blog helped me channel all the energy into something I actually loved doing.

Getting pregnant a few months later

Fate brought me something that I expected the least. Surprised but excited we were. My partner and I were having a wonderful relationship and it was the only thing that kept me going. And to have a child  was the scariest but most intimate thing that could happen to us. It gave me purpose, certainly. I had to get myself together and jump into the deep waters of parenthood.

Our child was born in 2013

A beautiful boy who is also being mentioned in a few posts here.

I keep walking the unknown land of parenthood. And that deserves a chapter of its own. It’s been full of challenges. It’s a very intensive course on growing up and getting to know yourself. The little person is like a mirror to all your flaws and it is great when you’re willing and ready to learn.

My sister dies in 2015

But 6 months ago, the unthinkable happened – my sister lost the battle with cancer. Five years after the death of our mother. So that changed my life again and now I believe – forever. It’s like I didn’t quite get it when my mum died, I was still a bit green behind the ears. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t understand fully. I did start the blog which meant I was on some level aware what the path could be but I wasn’t able to make a change within the material realm.

I am here now, doing what I’m doing, knowing I’m on the right path finally. That doesn’t mean that so far it hasn’t been right but it was really foggy and it was a winding path. I have a greater knowledge and understanding of what’s happening. Although I don’t know what is about to come. And I secretly pray and hope that no more people will die. I do get a vision of what the future might be and it does feel true and inspiring.

So I am grateful. Deeply grateful. And a little bit sad. But that too shall pass.

In Her Image Photography

This was originally written in September 2015

12 thoughts on “My story

  1. Life seems a bowl of cherries for sone but I’ve been handed some rotten apples. In the midst of a life that includes being hit by a drunk driver, my wonderful wife surviving cancer twice, cancer I believe caused by seeing me hospitalized for up to 5 months at a time and having one kidney transplant fail ( 2nd one working), and then retirementioned postponed by a $150,000 setback, yup we have been married for almost 36 years and really stuck through the good and bad. I find my heart is Cracked by disappointment but there still is gratitude to keep me appreciative because I have blessings also. I am grateful for my home, my family, my friends, my relative sanity and I am also grateful for every day.

    Like

    1. I am so happy that you and your wife and family have survived through all this hardship. Life certainly can throw rotten apples at you and ironically in every one of them there’s a lesson to learn. I am still learning to accept myself, my life and destiny, and some days it’s easier, some days it’s impossible. As another blogger recently commented, in most of my posts I sound like I’m on the verge of discovering something. I think I can grasp what the meaning of life is but I’m still fighting it in a way. “Why does it have to be like that, so hard?” But I guess that means I haven’t really grasped it then. As I said, some days I feel hopeful and some days – it feels like an endless darkness. But I am also grateful for every minute I get to spend with my family and every breath I take gives me a new opportunity.
      All the best to you and you family, Vilina

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Vilina, from what I have read here so far, I sense a certain depth and sincerity in you that seems lacking in a lot of people I encounter. Do you know about the MBTI? You strike me as an INFJ, which is my personality type. I started blogging for the first time in 2012, as well, with goals that are quite different from the blog I created in 2015. It seems like we share similar goals in why we are blogging today. Your hopeful nature and desire to seek joy are admirable qualities, ones I think we should all try to cultivate in our lives, but I also see value in being able to embrace and accept other states of being. I guess the challenge is learning how to avoid getting attached to a particular state of being since I have rarely found that helpful. But anyway, please keep sharing your authenticity and insights! I find it refreshing and inspiring 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Manda, thanks! I think you might be right about my personality type, it’s either the INFJ or INFP 🙂 It’s encouraging to hear we have so many similarities, I have found lovely people around the blogosphere! I can entirely understand when you say that you see value in being able to embrace other states of being besides joy (as my priority right now). Thanks for presenting me with this perspective! What I found out for myself is that I’m not so much about the pursuit of joy and happiness (which was my initial motivation when I started the blog in 2012) but the realisation that I find it hard to enjoy life with all its ups and downs. I found myself unable to enjoy my relationships with my closest people and with my child. I find it hard to enjoy my relationship with my self. Yes, there were plenty of things to distract me from the gifts in life that I “have”. So that’s why this blog was transformed to be a tool for me to learn again to love live, my live and others. But of course not to get too attached or fixated on this aspect of it. And you’re absolutely right to say that the challenge is to learn how to avoid getting attached to a particular state of being. Like the state of victimhood, for example, which I was partly embracing and still find hard to reclaim my wholeness. Thanks again for your words! Love, Vilina x

      Like

  3. Hi Vilina! I discovered your blog today and identify with a lot of what you are saying.
    I just started to blog again too recently, after 5 years of silence. I was so miserable I felt I had nothing to say… But I am back and inspired, just like you.
    I will be happy to keep reading what you have to express. 😀
    Sophie x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sophie! Thank you for your lovely comment! I’m glad you found my blog and I’ll make sure I come around to check yours too. It’s so great to hear from people going through a similar experience, I know there are many of us out there. It definitely makes me feel supported and not on my own. It’s great you feel inspired again – blogging is a wonderful way of expressing 🙂
      Keep well!
      Vilina, x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Vilina! I don’t know how good your French is, but thanks for checking my blog! 😉 I am still trying to figure out where I want to take it, but I guess I am just happy to enjoy the journey!
        À bientôt,
        Sophie x

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Astrid! Yes, what a wondrous journey life is! And the fact that we can share our struggles and our victories with the hope to find compassion and offer the same, is quite amazing! Lots of love your way, Vilina 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s