On the brink of dawn

As we enter into 2018, I cannot quite get myself into thinking about resolutions, setting intentions or goals. I cannot even summon my mind to reflect back on the year 2017.

I feel somewhere in between, not quite ready to let go of the old year and not quite there to welcome the new one. Perhaps this is natural, for some of us.

Just as I try and think about what the past year has brought my way, I almost freeze. It’s been so much, there’s been so many lessons, too many experiences and feelings. I don’t know if I can summarise all of it in one post, one sentence, one word. But if I have to pick one word, it will be… labour! Literally and figuratively.

My family and I worked hard this year – some of us at actual jobs, others mainly working life. All of us trying to stay on top of things. We managed quite well, I must say.

Figuratively, in 2017 we gave birth to a new life as a family – we moved cross continent and set a foundation in a new country, in a new city… everything was new. We gave birth to a new level of independence, stability, responsibility; we reached a new stage in our relationship between each other, we explored the depths of our emotions and needs.

We faced fears, we found love, and we grew stronger, as a family and individually.

Looking back, I cannot help but get emotional. Perhaps, it’s because as I woman I’m more prone to feel deeply or perhaps I’m a highly sensitive person, most likely – both. But I just can’t take it all lightly. I know how much we’ve given our best and how much we’ve really tried hard. It just wasn’t easy at all.

Every victory took a piece of me. Every success took parts of myself being transformed in some way.

This is not a bad thing, no. But it was laborious. And it needs time. Such is nature of life.

When I feel like this I reach for gratitude – a great medicine to relieve us from our pains. The moment we shift our focus, we start feeling better and more optimistic. We are in control of our perceptions and life. Every moment we choose how to feel, how to respond to life.

I often find myself at this crossroad – being sad but also grateful. I cannot explain why. I think some lives are just a bit more sad than others. Perhaps this is a deeper knowing that there’s no getting out of here alive. Being an awakened human isn’t necessarily a happy story. Maybe we really exaggerate “happiness”. Maybe sadness is just as important.

After all, these are the emotions that make us human – all of them including fear and anger and pain, the full spectrum.

Most of the time, I feel humbled. I’m sorry that I cannot get excited but I am honoured to walk this path. I do believe we live in dark times, just on the brink of dawn. I have faith. And I really get excited about living in the woods. I think it’s our disconnection from mother earth that causes us a lot of pain. It’s the sustaining of a world we no longer believe in, that makes us feel so alone.

We know we have a tough decision to make.

And so life unfolds before our eyes and it comes to us to make a conscious change within ourselves. That is not an easy choice, and not a happy one either. But we’re running out of time.

What do you think you can do to better yourself? Are you ready to commit to bettering our world? What do you wish the new year brings you? Let me know in the comments.